When I was in high school, I thought it would be great if I got into college.
When I was in college, I thought I would be happy if I got to come to the US for further study.
When I was in graduate school, I thought I would be happy if I got a job.
When I was in Microsoft, I thought I would be happy if I got to work with people more.
When I was in LinkedIn as a TPM, I thought I would be happy if I got to work in a more meaningful field.
When I was in coaching, I thought I would be happy if I got the certification.
When I was a certified coach, I thought I would be happy if I had more clients…
Finally I started to realize that this “happy” feeling was the result of “contrast” — something different in the direction of what we prefer. It has to be different to keep generating this “happy” feeling.
That is why we always want to achieve more. It is not like we cannot be grateful for what we already have. It is just that humans are wired to get the “happy” feeling from having the “contrast”.
Sadly this feeling doesn’t last long, so we have to keep generating it by contrasting. Don’t believe me? Try sitting at home and do nothing for a week.
Meanwhile, I see that in trying to get more…
I thought I was searching for happiness. I was actually searching for love and belonging.
When I have more, so and so would love me, I would feel belonged in so and so group. All of this, I was just trying to feel loved, to fill my love tank.
Hmm, is there another way to fill the tank in addition to the endless contrasting?
I found a way. I started to fill in the tank myself.
Give myself a body rub and a hug. 1 gallon added.
Tell my body I am sorry I put you through so much, I love you. 1 gallon added.
Allow myself to be a less-perfect mom so I take breaks. 1 gallon added.
Free myself from the super-disciplined exercise to recharge. 1 gallon added.
Reach out to my friends so they get to share their love for me. 1 gallon added.
Support my body on what is needed when I am sick instead of focusing on sick means broken. 1 gallon added.
Switch away from vegetarian diets to honor my body’s needs instead of proving myself to be spiritually better. 1 gallon added.
…
With this 10-gallon filled love tank, I found myself not buried in seeking the contrasting to have “happiness”. Naturally, I am happier.
Originally published on Substack