Which one is more difficult: saying "I'm sorry" or saying "I need an apology"?
The former definitely presents challenges. Sometimes we are so insistent that we are right, feeling we have every reason to act a certain way, that we simply do not want to say sorry.
The latter is even more challenging, at least for me and some of my fellows who grew up in Asian culture. We need to overcome or step out of the cultural norm that somehow suggests "I don't deserve to be apologized for."
Recently my partner had an argument with my daughter, Bella. Bella was not being very polite, and my partner was getting mad and responding in a pretty harsh way. I told them both that they needed to apologize to each other and say they were sorry.
My younger daughter, Piper, had been sitting quietly at the corner of the dinner table. She jumped in and said, "When I was two, Dad was holding my hands really firm and he didn't even say sorry." Everyone burst out laughing. I remember that moment. She had probably been trying to hit someone and my partner had to hold her hands to still her. But now, she is able to simply say, "I need an apology. You have not even said sorry yet."
I was so surprised. When I think back to when I was younger, or consider anyone who grew up in a Chinese culture like me, who had the courage to tell their parents, "I need an apology," or "You have not even said sorry to me yet"?
Even as adults, there are so many occasions where we really want an apology but we don't say it. We might tell ourselves to just let the past be gone, like that time someone really hurt my feelings. Or somewhere deep down, we feel we don't even deserve one. Or we hold back because asking might make the other person sad, like a lot of times how we face our parents.
In the bottom of our hearts, we really want that apology. Or at least, we want to be able to say, "Hey, listen, I really want an apology here." Of course, we don't know if the other person will actually say sorry, but once we have said what we need to say, we put a period on the matter and complete the situation. Because without asking for the apology authentically, we might get stuck in resentment, holding a grudge for that person, or keep blaming ourselves for thinking it is us who did something wrong.