We are bigger than our thoughts. These words came when I sat with the belief “I am not worthy”:
I am a piece of goods. I stay in storage.
I weigh myself to make sure the shipping cost is less when people actually want me.
I decorate myself with impressive labels so I stand out and people will pick me.
I send so much love to others, so that they will want me.
I don’t want to be left behind.
Then I realized, even after I was not in storage anymore, I still felt like I was not worthy of love.
There are people who love me, but I constantly pay attention to the ones who don’t.
There were always people whose love I longed for, but they didn’t love me back, and they broke my heart.
I also realized that I don’t know what it feels like to be loved by myself. This whole concept is so foreign and new to me.
What is the experience of being loved by myself? What is love?
When I look at the love I have for others, it seems like everyone else is more worthy of love than I am.
I asked myself: what is the most horrifying, worst thing that could happen if I allow myself to love myself the way I love others?
Then I got the answer: I will stop loving others, they will leave me behind, and I will go back to the storage. It was a scary place, I was all alone and abandoned.
So I have been forever caught in this state: people love me, but I don’t feel loved, trapped in the fear that I will go back into storage.
Today, I am allowing all those stories and all those fears to be here, and I am reading them out loud.
Allowing them to be here is already an act of love for myself. It is okay that, up to now, I don’t feel the experience of being loved by myself.
I also realize that I have so much love that I just want to share, and I am learning to let love in from others and from myself.
I decided to not be that piece of goods anymore.
I decided to embrace all the uncertainty and just be the existence of love itself.
When I sit really quiet, I can feel the silence all around me. It is supporting, allowing, unconditional love.
Now I realize I don’t need to be caught in the definition, the concept, or the label of love.
And I don’t need to be caught in the label of “worthy,” because I am not a piece of goods anymore.
This heartwarming energy itself is me, and my job is to flow: flow in, flow out, flow to others, and flow to myself.
There is no scale or door gauging who is worthy and who is not.